Francis Kitt Presents: Spectre: A Dramedy!
by DarkDanny
Summary: Connection Series: Tali and Shepard are bored so they decide to take in  movie. They never get to watch it thanks to a trailer roughly based on his adventures in 2183. Pretty much the most insane thing I have ever written.


**Yeah... so last night before I turned in I had these wild thoughts. here they are below. try not to hate me for it...**

**...**

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**...**

"Shepard you know I can feel that so please... have mercy on a quarian girl!"

"Come on its a time honored human male tradition to feel up their girl in a movie theater."

Tali moaned softly as Shepard's strong grip rubbed the inside of her thigh in soft, deliberate circles. It was taking all her effort not to squeak out in sheer arousal

"No.. if you do this I'm just going to embarrass myself in front of a packed theater before the movie begins, so please, _please_ resist..." She begged him. Tali really did not mind it. She was just... worried. For good reason as well, the things Shepard could do to her would make her turn her audio output off. Even then people would still here her crying.

Shepard sighed and slowly dragged his hand off of her, getting the demand but not looking too happy about it either.

"All right.." Was his reluctant agreement. Tali took a sigh of relief; as nice as it had been, it was for the best. The last thing she wanted was to get herself and John kicked out and arrested for public sex. With a sigh each, the two of them turned back to face the screen.

...

**It's 2183: Just before the galaxy went mad. Humanity needed a type of leader.**

A Shot of a Dreadnoughts observation room became visible. Three men stood together, vaguely looking like Admiral Hackett, Captain Anderson and Donnel Udina from behind. Together the three men gazed out at Earth in quiet contemplation.

"Humanity is on the verge of providing a Spectre." The Udinalike man spoke up to the other's passionately. "We need to find the best to represent us."

**Someone that would serve as the blade to the council, the galaxies first and last line of defense.**

"Commander Jane Herder, whether you like to admit it our not, you are the best choice for the job." The man who looked like Anderson spoke passionately to the figure wearing full suit of combat armor, helmet was off , revealing long thick looking blond hair. She seemed deep in thought until finally Anderson got his reply

"This platform has reached the same concenencion."

Herder turned around to stare at the commanding curiously. Its flashlight head allowed its flaps to open up in apparent excitment.

**The best, happened to be of geth origins.**

"This platform confirms that we are the Logical choice." Herder the geth confirmed much to the relief of the Captain, "Now pardon our departure, we have a spa day to partake in."

The geth ran it's hand through it's luscious long blond hair and walked away, earning a shake of its Commanding Officers head as a old catchy earth song played.

**Did we mention the geth thinks itself female?**

"Jane, a Spectre named Sernus has gone rouge." The Anderson type spoke to the geth platform as passionately as he could act. "He has a week head start and resources across the galaxy. We don't know what he wants but a rouge Spectre is bad news."

The geth 'female' nodded in an apparent agreement.

"This platform concurs that this organic seeks the return of the old machines." Jane stated seriously, taking a step forward, "We have come to the conclusion that we must neutralize him before his objectives are complete. We will require a ship as priority."

A wide screen panning shot of what looked eerily like the first Normandy came into view over dramatic Wagnersque music. It was suppose to be an awe inspiring sight.

"A team." The geth monotonously stated overtop the image which panned into a shot of a team of warriors. From humans to Asari's, From Turians to a Massive Elcor with a Minigun/MRL strapped to its back.

"We will stop him." Was the geth's last words as the screen went black.

Suddenly, Explosions, geth being torn apart, ships blowing up and worlds burning roared into view with an amazing intensity. Jane the geth was shooting wildly and ripping Krogan's apart with 'her' bare hands. The action died down and a shot of a man who looked similar to Kaidan Alenko became clear.

The man looked up and locked his eyes with the geth, his expression was filled with sheer longing.

"Jane... I know that there are rules against this... _fraternization_... but I love you... Please, Come back to us. To me." He said to the machine as they now sat together in the messhall all alone. He hd grabbed and was holding the geth's claws tenderly.

"This platform has 1998 individual machines residing in a collective consciousness. None of which have a concept or comprehension of love on record." It finally said, almost sadly.

The human looked down at the table, devastated by 'her' words. He looked close to tears until finally, the machine reached out and lifted his chin up with one of its hands, revealing Kaidan's...err Jaiden tear shimmering eyes.

"We are, however, willing to try."

The Lieutenant's eyes lit up and he leaned in, kissing the machine passionately.

**From award winning director: Francis Kitt.**

"I-I was sure if you wanted me up here." Jayden said, holding the machine's hands in Jane's darkened private quarters, "I just wanted yo to know that if we don't make it... it's been an honor serving under you."

The Machine cocked it's head as it allowed the human to lead it towards the bed.

"Jayden,you have not had the honor of serving under this platform." It stated seriously.

**And the producers who brought you Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings and Blasto Saves Christmas.  
**

There was a montage of sex, explosions, love and violence until finally the Turian Spectre villain and Jane Herder were staring down each other's pistols. Both itching to fire first.

"I should have known this would be the way it ends!" The Rebel Spectre arrogantly spoke. The machine tilted its head.

"There is a 97.81781575382056739 percent probability that I will fire first. Do you understand the organic concept of luck?"

The screen went black.

**Spectres: Coming to theaters everywhere.**

**...**

Both Tali and John stared at the screen as the trailer for next movie started to play, neither of them sure of what to think of the atrocity that they had witnessed. Shepard finally broke his stare and noticed Tali, shaking her head in disgust. A geth protagonist based on him must not have sat well with her. Quietly, John squeezed her hand.

"That had to be the wost thing I ever watched." He mused, earning a look and what sounded like a resigned sigh of relief.

"Can we go home?" Tali asked softly, her voice uncertain. "I don't think I can watch this... this movie anymore, I've lost all desire to see it..."

Shepard nodded and stood up, gripping her hand as he pulled her up with him as well.

"Okay, lets get drunk and see how fast we can undress you."

Tali nodded blankly and slipped her arms around her humans waist. At this point, risking her health sounded a better alternative then to sit in a dark room and think about a geth Shepard making love to Commander Kaidan Alenko...

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man I must be a crack head...

Sorry if you thought it too short or too random. it was just a silly thought I had after a day of no sleep and some sleep medications I discovered. Still, I liked it. Thanks for reading!


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